Your Well-Being

Questioning your belief system is a big deal. Religion is an emotionally charged topic, and exploring your beliefs often brings up complicated feelings. It is normal to feel confusion, betrayal, anger, sadness, helplessness, and other emotions. You deserve respect during this process.

Go Your Own Pace

Letters like this one often receive criticism from faithful rebuttals that they throw too much information at a reader. FAIR (a popular apologetic resource) refers to this as an “abusive tactic [in which people] are trying to coerce you into a situation where they can bombard you with so many doubt-provoking questions that they can cause your resolve to collapse and your identity to fall apart”¹.

I understand this concern, and I want to approach sensitive topics with empathy and respect. I cover a wide range of topics in this resource because there is much to explore, and I believe each aspect is significant. Please take your time. There is no rush to absorb everything at once.

My intention is not to coerce you into any particular viewpoint. Remember, this is a static website—it doesn’t have feelings, and it will remain here for you to revisit whenever you choose. If you ever feel overwhelmed, if your sense of identity feels shaken, or if your resolve begins to waver, I encourage you to take a step back and click away. Reach out to a trusted loved one or a support hotline if you need. Your well-being is my priority.

I hope this resource proves to be useful, honest, and straightforward. I believe that the information presented here can stand on its own merit and does not require manipulative or abusive tactics to be compelling. My goal is to foster an environment where you can engage with the material at your own pace, allowing for thoughtful reflection and personal growth.

Your Identity

If you’re like many who grew up in the church, you’ve probably sung “I Am a Child of God” from a very young age. You may have even heard talks like “You Are a Child of God”, in which Gordon Hinckley emphasizes that you should obey commandments with exactness because of your identity as a child of God (even pointing out that blessings from a loving God are conditional upon obedience):

If you really know that you are a child of God, you will also know that He expects much of you, His child. He will expect you to follow His teachings and the teachings of His dear Son, Jesus. He will expect you to be generous and kind to others. He will be offended if you swear or use foul language. He will be offended if you are dishonest in any way, if you should cheat or steal in the slightest. He will be happy if you remember the less fortunate in your prayers to Him. He will watch over you and guide you and protect you. He will bless you in your schoolwork and in your Primary. He will bless you in your home, and you will be a better boy or girl, obedient to your parents, quarreling less with your brothers and sisters, helping about the home.²

It can be difficult to imagine anything else serving as such a fundamental part of your identity. For many, the comfort of understanding this identity is worth maintaining a belief system despite contrary evidence. I want to suggest, however, that changing my own perspective on my identity has significantly improved my life. It has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done, but it has also been one of the most rewarding in a way I didn’t think was even possible.

If this identity were taken away—if it were instantly refuted—who would you be? It was initially a shock for me, but there are fundamental truths about your identity that you can embrace.

• You are part of a long-lasting biological cycle. The atoms that make up your body have always existed and will always exist. Your atoms have made up many things before and will make up many things after your life.
• You are an intelligent being, even the universe dreaming of itself.
• You belong to a community of people to which you can contribute meaningfully.
• You can make life better for the people you love.
• You are capable of loving life, enjoying your interests, and creating interesting things.
• You have a unique personality that can contribute to your sense of self.

If you are experiencing a faith crisis, it might be helpful to write down more fundamental parts of your identity that remain true, whether or not the church is true.

Your Values

You might be surprised to find that changing your beliefs doesn’t necessarily mean changing your values. I still hold many of the same values I held before I left the church.

For example, I still value:

• Protecting autonomy and agency
• Using a surplus to provide for people who need it
• Protecting health by rejecting or limiting harmful substances
• Using speech to encourage and inspire rather than hurt
• Showing patience and tolerance when I don’t understand something
• Using privilege to help vulnerable people

If you are deconstructing your faith, it can be helpful to make a list of your values. If you’re like me, you’ll probably be surprised at how few of the things you value depend on the church.

What Changes?

If you decide to leave the church, you are also leaving behind a community identity. This can be intimidating, but in my experience, it can also be incredibly refreshing. The day we decided to leave the church, I remember telling my wife, “I finally feel like I’m allowed to just be a good person.” Leaving the church can mean you no longer have to defend your identity with an often-unpopular organization. You can be free to live by your own conscience.

As I have worked on deconstructing my beliefs, a saying has resonated with me: Always trade up³. When you make a major faith or identity decision, ask if your decision leaves you better off than you were before you made it. And remember, you are an intelligent being. You get to decide what is better or worse for yourself.